Good News, Bad News

Big mass is scar tissue.

Small mass is highly suspicious for recurrant melanoma. Removed today. Pathology will make final call. I'll get the results sometime within 2 weeks. Not that it really matters. There isn't much else it could be.

I was awake for the whole procedure and the surgeon showed me the small mass she removed. Looked so harmless.

Anyway, it's been a long day and I don't feel like talking about this shit. I'm soooo tired of it. I'd say I'm over it, but I can't be. Wish I could snap my fingers or press rewind.

No further treatment. As I've said before, there is no adjuvant treatment beyond what I've already done and that didn't work. Now we just cherry pick tumours and hope they don't spread to organs.

It is such a wierd feeling to be incredibly disappointed in your body but incredibly grateful for it at the same time. My body is doing a wonderful job at keeping the disease in the same local area. For that I am so grateful. But, I am still so dismayed at the fact that a) I ever got this in the first place, and b) that I wasn't one of the people that go recurrance free for years and years or the rest of their lives.

So many people I have met online have been diagnosed after me and are already dead. I think of those people daily and remember how lucky I am really. I am here now. No one is guaranteed more than this second. I will not waste time wallowing in self-pity. If I allow the cancer to destroy my experience of today and my spirit, than it has already won. I know this will never happen. I can't conceive that I could ever take a second of my life for granted again.