Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Five Foot Six Above

Fuck. The irony. I'm watching the final episodes of Six Feet Under on DVD yesterday, poking and prodding my armpit like I always do, and I find a fucking lump! It never ceases to amaze me that when I find this shit, I am doing the most benign activities, thinking the most benign thoughts, feeling supremely healthy and enjoying life. Out of nowhere this shit happens I tell ya.

Ok, it might not be a recurrence. I hope to god it isn't. I'm not going to get worked up too much either way. I know I can't know. The myth that one knows when something is wrong with the body is utter shit. I never know. When I present with symptoms to my onc and am convinced I have brain mets, I don't. When I present with a lump that I'm convinced is nothing, it is. I have no fucking clue. All I know is this new lump, a bit smaller than a pea, was not there a few days ago. I see my onc on Tuesday.

It can't be a cancerous lymphnode because they have all been taken out. The radiation was suppose to prevent recurrences in that area too. That's why I'd be floored if if it is. But, then, I guess bc I had a recurrance outside the field of radiation in December, that could have spread to the area which was previously treated. Could this be a sub-q tumour? Damn it.

Think positive. Think positive. Think positive.

I just can't fathom what else it would be. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

On a lighter note, here's a pic of me this past weekend looking like a total LOSER (but healthy as shit I must say!) with my friend before we went out to a bachelorette party. I swear, my bra didn't show through my shirt, it is just because of the flash on the camera! Ha ha ha!


At 4:10 PM, Blogger mrbunsrocks said...

Hi Sarah,

I've followed your story for well over a year now. Not sure I can actually say anything of any merit...but you are such an amazingly insightful person. I really admire you. And you look awesome in that shirt...healthy and vibrant. :)

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Couz said...

It could be scar tissue from the radiation... don't freak out yet!

Stay strong, girlie. You're doing great!

Did they ever find the primary?

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I want to believe it is scar tissue, but the radiation finished in Feb 05 and my last surgery was in Jan 06. I am very familiar with my pit and how it feels, as you can imagine.
This lump is hard, round, smaller than a pea and close to the surface and wasn't there the other day... sounds like a sub-q. My other prayer is that they missed a node, and I just have a small infection. Um, ya. Two LND's in the axillary basin. Unlikely, but POSSIBLE!

My primary... I am still considered "unknown primary" because there is no proof, but there is a plausible theory as to where it started.

I had a benign looking but itchy mole removed from my back when I was 18 (9 years before my "recurrance"). It was biopsied and I was told it was nothing. When I was dx'd in 2004 I asked for the path report from that mole. Atypical spitz nevus, benign, didn't do a WLE but wide enough margins that they were "clear".

Upon doing a little research, I learned that melanoma is sometimes misdiagnosed as atypical spitz nevuses in children because the cells are almost indistinguishable. I had the slides re-read by two more paths (sent to an expert in Florida) and neither of them would make a positive dx. They said it was borderline, could have been called either way. Load of crap. My theory is that they were now protecting their colleague's integrity seeing as at this point, it doesn't matter if it was mm or not back then. It's here now, the treatment doesn't change and neither does the prognosis.

It doesn't really matter. It was removed back then, they maybe would have taken wider margins now, but since I never had a local recurrance (on my skin) it seemingly wouldn't have mattered if the margins were wider (it speads down). Also, they didn't do SNB's back then and I would have been worried for 9 years about a recurrance instead of living a normal life had I been dx'd with this at 18.
It is entirely possible that that mole wasn't the culprit too. Appox. 8% of melanoma cases are dx'd with unknown primary. They have been studying why since the beginning of time and there are generally 2 theories, which I won't get into here.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Couz said...

Holy crap, Sarah.

You just taught me more about melanoma than I learned in my derm rotation!

You've obviously done your homework and then some. I'll be rooting for you, and sending you all my best vibes that this turns out to be a little abscess or somthing.

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